It's been a while since I did a life-defining online quiz. Thanks, Brandon:
Your recommended philosophy-guru is EPICURUS.
Key fact: Epicurus, founder of Epicureanism, is probably the most misunderstood philosopher of antiquity.
Must have: A delight in the countryside and gardens.
Key promise: Peace and tranquillity.
Key peril: Boredom.
Most likely to say: "The true hedonist can find as much pleasure in a glass of chilled water as in a feast for a king."
Least likely to say: "He who tires of the city, tires of life."
The quiz itself is short and, like so many of its ilk, contains either-or questions that really produce "depends on circumstances" answers. Of the six options, though, I'm reasonably satisfied with this.